A copy of every sodding Autosport from every sodding week of this year had until this evening accumulated a rather large and scantily read pile of dusty paper in the corner of my house. Hanging on to these old issues is perfectly reasonable in terms of the posterity value it presents, after all, it’s not as if they would offer much valuable information following their week of publication… would they? Currently, not being one to sort calmly through a dilemma, there is some apparent chaos in the household as I go steadily out of my mind trying to find the said copy to discover whether Autosport did in fact publish an issue only last month regarding the sale of a 75% stake in the Brawn GP team to Mercedes carriers Daimler. Did they? That, by the way, is not rhetoric.

As Tess earlier intimated, Brawn GP are no more, yet this has been on the books for weeks, so why has it sent the F1 world into meltdown? Aside from making sound economic sense, Mercedes-Benz-Daimler-Chrysler has been ‘discretely’ venting its frustration at its title-sharing F1 team for more than the past few races. McLaren, for those of you watching the rather sublime return of Top Gear to our screens last night, is releasing a new road car, the rather impressively named MP4-12C. And whilst this venture signalled a premature end to the cordial relationship between the Great Ship Dennis and Germany’s finest automotive crafters, there was absolutely no reason that the sort of passion, humour and romance associated with the Deutschland had to hang around Woking like a sour aftertaste.

A few years ago, this Bavarian powerhouse crafted the sublimely beautiful SL… sixty… something-or-other, with an F1-inspired rear diffuser cut so deep, that you can imagine just aches to plow deep German trenches wherever it goes in a totally uncharacteristic attempt to carve up the world map. But this is the point; a gorgeous car deserves a gut-wrenchingly beautiful name not a mathematician’s wet dream. It should be memorable and not require me to spend half an hour on the internet every time it comes up in conversation. It would be more than a little disappointing to find out that the stunningly pretty lady, vaguely reminiscent of Scarlett Johansson, eyeing you up in the bar last night was in fact called Jordan Two Delta. There’s a lot in a name.

Despite the sentimentality and tragedy associated with names of early Ferrari rockets such as the Dino and Tipo, these are plainly rubbish names for cars, not least of the F1 variety. The TF109 is about as inspired, as it’s rather piss-warm performance of last year. Not that a crap name did the Brawn team any harm this year, the BGP 001 was blisteringly fast, despite a moniker that read like a support vehicle for International Rescue. Where was the Brawn Phoenix, or the Brawn Yee Haa Motherf*cker? Not even the Brawn I Told You So?

One of the reasons that I think Mr Sebastian Vettel has been the absolute dog’s particulars this year is that he clearly agrees with me; “Kate’s Dirty Sister”, I love it, and I want to meet both she and her sister Kate immediately. Ok, it’s not an Adrian Newey sanctioned name, but it certainly powered Vettel to a stunning victory over the dominant Brawns in China this year. Though this is not to say that drivers should be given carte blanche on car naming duties.Button ’s would be darned right rude and undeserving, Rosberg’s, about as toe-curlingly dreadful as his website and Kimi, just wouldn’t be arsed.

Next year, we’ve got three new teams definitely marked down on the grid, having risen up through the ranks, or just appeared from the ether of F1Racing. There’s a very good chance that these new kids on the block won’t be swayed by the convention and pomp of traditional F1 monikers and in that spirit might we suggest some apt and fitting names to welcome aboard our new teams.

The Manor GP Steel-Wagon

The Campos Meta F1 Force Prima JetStar

The USF1 World-Eater

Right, your turn…